photo by Scott Braun
This morning I woke up alone, sunshine sneaking across my face on the breeze through the blinds. The emptiness of the house is palpable. The usual Elvish murmurings of Dylan waking in the next room are absent (he is with his grandparents). And the gorgeous sleepy smile of a man that was here yesterday is long gone. No one is here to need me. I don’t have to make breakfast or conversation.
Both the nature of my work and that of motherhood require constant giving. Everyone needs or wants something from me. It is my job to deliver, to exceed expectations, to satisfy on demand. I’m good at it, I am, and I like it, and yes, a slightly codependent nature may even welcome it.
My personal relationships bear witness. In fact, I spent almost four years of my life in a relationship (emphasis on the word spent) predicated upon the understanding that I was not to ask for nor expect anything. Willingly I participated in the execution of this contract. Hindsight may be 20/20, but love is blind. My Disney ideals dictate that to love is its own reward. It’s simple. If I care about you, I want you to be happy.
But today, sprawled alone across the puddle of sunshine that collects in silence on my sheets, I say to hell with that. I’m tired of giving. I want something.
But the thing is, you can’t expect anything from anyone. An expectation is, as a wise man once said, nothing but a premeditated resentment. Luckily, we don’t need other people to fulfill our needs, we are each designed with the capacity to love and cherish ourselves. So, at the end of the day, the Disney ideal holds up: love is its own reward. Give and give freely, just love yourself enough to know when to walk away.
Ah yes but what to do with the freedom that we hope is temporary often eludes us. The urge to “protect and serve” lives in us constantly. We now know what it feels like to be a public servant places on administrative leave. Speaking for myself it is a wonderful but easily unappreciated time. Maybe it is from each situation that we desire the security of having someone totally depend us. It makes one restless to you may be needed when not present.
well said. It took me a while to learn that lesson too (at least I think I’ve learned it, haha.
Katrina, any dude who isn’t falling all over you doesn’t deserve your time. You shouldn’t have to ask for anything. You shouldn’t be lying in bed alone thinking about what you want, you should just be getting it. If I had that chance, I wouldn’t be screwing around.
I’ve found assumptions the way to go. Assume you have all that is wonderful to you in relationships, in career, in spirit. Assumptions, when persisted in, will harden into facts. That’s the good and the bad news!
A Disney Princess like you should never be alone in bed.
Insight and honesty. Beauty and wit. I fall in love with you more with every post.
Beauty is found in the quiet moments that touch us all…clarity and wisdom is there for those that choose to listen.
Thank you for sharing such a lovely moment.
She is lying in bed jonesin’ for some wang. Someone please give her the wang.
Seriously, bro. Finally, someone who gets it.